The Law of Kindness

Proverbs 31:26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, And on her tongue is the law of kindness.


In the course of my work as a pastor I have had the opportunity to counsel many married couples and even more people who came to seek God's help alone without their spouse. It is my observation but one which I believe is supported by most researchers in the field of human relationships that the one factor I found in every one of these troubled marriages was they had stopped being kind.


We often talk about love as the foundational ingredient of marriage but I have a lot of problems with the word love. In English it covers what in Greek takes five words in just the basic concept and even more when we start to move it out of the realm of human relationships to things like..... I love chocolate chip cookies..... I love your new hairdo...... I just love this country......


Love in human relationships has so many shades of meaning that it can sometime cease to contain any practical, moral concept. We use love primarily to describe a feeling rather than actions.


I have found though that even if only one love is present a marriage can eventually grow to health. That one love is Agape. I have often shared with couples that if they simply treated each other the way that God wants them to treat absolute strangers they could find a much better relationship with each other. More than a few have heeded that advice and it started them on a road to recovery.


The aspect of Agape that I ask them to focus on most is kindness. If I tell them "love" they often don't even know what I am saying. I have found most people understand what kindness is. They never mistake it for romantic feelings. When I have shared this with those who said they "loved" but felt mistreated by their spouse they would often admit that they knew they did not act with kindness toward their spouse.


I have seen that simple kindness can heal not only broken marriages but almost any relationship if it is applied in the Biblical admonition to not expect anything in return.


Luke 6:35 "But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men.


Now I know all about abusive relationships. I know there will be some who tell me that I am teaching people to become doormats or enablers. But hear me out first.


I know some people will use every means they can to control others. They use people in their lives in ways that destroy themselves first. They seek to find in others what only God can give them. This is not kindness it is just another attempt to gain a sense of value from anyone or thing except God.


We must first of all have our self-esteem needs met by God before we can ever be truly kind to others.


When we have released others from the stranglehold of expectations to meet our needs by finding God as the only life giver we can then be simply kind to others without either falling into servitude or manipulation. We can just be a kind person like Jesus was. No strings attached.


I was trying to help one who is in my sphere of influence understand the correctness of speaking respectfully to someone who has hurt them deeply. They said that they did not need to do so because they did not feel the person deserved their respect. I said that it was not a matter of the person being worthy of respect. It is really about our own self respect. We need not let others reduce us to their disrespectful ways.


The same is true with kindness. Kindness does not mean we approve of other's lives or agree with the wrongs they do. A police officer can be kind to a murderer without diminishing his or her determination to protect society from the murderer's wrong actions or even using deadly force if need be. It only means that they do not have to be rude, hateful and disrespectful to effectively deal with and stop the wrongs they have done.


I have found that what the scripture calls the "Law of Kindness" being on my lips is an invaluable tool in my communication. It is very easy for me to tell when I do not feel kindly towards another person. I have found placing a limit on my communication with others until I have prayed through to have a heart of kindness results in a much stronger ability for me to communicate God's truth to them.


Ephesians 4:29 (Amplified Bible)


Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God's favor) to those who hear it.


I find that when I communicate out of a heart of kindness it always imparts a blessing. It may not be apparent right away but because of the law of sowing and reaping it will eventually bring an abundant harvest, even if it is only in changing our own souls into a more Christ like image.