A Grief Observed

Numbers 20

23 Then the LORD spoke to Moses and Aaron at Mount Hor by the border of the land of Edom, saying, 24 Aaron will be gathered to his people; for he shall not enter the land which I have given to the sons of Israel, because you rebelled against My command at the waters of Meribah. 25 Take Aaron and his son Eleazar and bring them up to Mount Hor; 26 and strip Aaron of his garments and put them on his son Eleazar. So Aaron will be gathered to his people, and will die there." 27 So Moses did just as the LORD had commanded, and they went up to Mount Hor in the sight of all the congregation. 28 After Moses had stripped Aaron of his garments and put them on his son Eleazar, Aaron died there on the mountain top. Then Moses and Eleazar came down from the mountain. 29 When all the congregation saw that Aaron had died, all the house of Israel wept for Aaron thirty days.

These passages tell of events that happen every day for people everywhere. Death is an inevitable reality that will touch all our lives. The loss of those we love leaves us with grief that at times can be inconsolable. Yet in the West we don't do very well in dealing with grief. I have also found in my years of pastoral ministry that often Christians are the worst in dealing with grief. We meet the profoundly destructive event of death with almost a "put on a happy face" mentality. Certainly Paul exhorts us not to grieve as those who have no hope but I have actually experienced in my only life that the love that God places in our hearts for others leaves us deeply grieving on their loss even though we do have a hope of being reunited. Today's passage tells us that the Israelites grieved for Aaron for thirty days. It was not just a sad time while they went about their work. Semitic peoples understand the importance of the grief process. They understand the need for tears to be shed. They understand the importance of valuing the life of their loved ones by conversing about the good, hard and hurtful experiences that attends a death. In our seeking to anesthetize ourselves from the pain of life we have only sublimated it only to have it surface with long term consequences in the future. The Israelites did not do this. They took the time they needed to fully embrace the loss and work through all it meant.

I learned this principle in a profound way in regard to my own loss of my father. If I had lost him in death it perhaps would have been an easier loss. I lost him through a bitter marriage that ended when I was still a child. After he left our home I only saw him a few hours for the rest of his life. His loss was devastating in many ways. Being a very long time ago we lived in a world that knew nothing of single moms and prodigal fathers. Most of the things a boy did had to have his father associated with it. I could not belong to the Boy Scouts because I did not have a dad to be with me. I loved electronics as a child and saw an advertisement for a special event at our local fair grounds where you got a crystal radio you put together to take home. I walked the several miles to get there only to be told at the door that my dad had to bring me.

As many experiences like this began to add up I began to close my heart in an attempt to stop hurting. Outwardly it seemed it did quit. I am sure that inwardly I did everything to escape the vulnerability I felt. But as I put the walls up to not be hurt anymore something else happened. I found that I could no longer feel tender things either. Years later after I had been a Christian for a long time I was meditating on the Cross and How Jesus faced it. Perhaps it was revelation by the Spirit of God or perhaps the Word finally got past the lies the had buried my grief. I realized that Jesus did not seek to rid himself of the pain he felt. He did not try to save himself from the pain of the cross but fully embraced all it meant. He let his emotions be fully experienced. He gave full expression of his sense of rejection even to the point that he cried out asking why God had forsaken him. In seeing how Jesus approached his pain, I felt like God spoke to me almost audibly that they only way I could effectively deal with my pain was to just let it hurt.

God gave us tears to express our grief. Suddenly the ancient grief of my father's loss came deeply into my heart. I wept uncontrollably for about five hours. for another five I wept in quietness. Over the next few weeks I often would have memories that had been totally buried of good times with my father before he left us and again I would weep until the pain was gone.

I have seen so many people end up on alcohol or drugs, involved in extramarital affairs, burying themselves in their work or become so depressed they can no longer function because of unresolved grief. I have seen people become angry, bitter people who never allow anyone to touch them again because of a traumatic relationship experience. I have even seen people kill others or themselves due to the loss of one they loved. All of them had one thing in common. They sought to rid themselves of their pain by means other than the one God gave us - grieving.

On the day that the buried pain that I had held for years welled up in my heart I finally just let it hurt. I thought I might never quit weeping but I did. There are still days that I feel the pain and I have learned to not do anything but let it hurt as fully as it does.

I also learned one other thing. I learned to give my pain to God. Sometimes I have heard people say this but what they meant was to bury it through denial and use God as the burial ground. In fact if you had asked me the day before I learned how to grieve I would have said that I had totally given it to God. But that day I understood giving it to God to mean something different than I ever had before. I found out in such a deep way that God would let me grieve and by opening my heart in that grief to Him, He would comfort me. This is the very foundation of our ministry to others. As we are comforted by God in our times of distress we then can comfort others.

2 Corinthians

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. 6 But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; 7 and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort.