Conflict, Relationships and Leadership

Iron sharpens iron,
So one man sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17 (NASB)

One of my earliest jobs was in an automobile paint shop called Earl Shiebs. We painted cars for under $19! Needless to say the quality of the paint job was not the best but still we did a fairly good job for such a low price. We also did some body work. That is where I began to learn to use a body grinder. To get rid of the rust or to give the body putty a firm foundation you have to grind metal till it shines like a mirror. The best way to do it is with a grinder.

The great thing for a young guy just starting to a life long relationship with cars was all the fire and sparks. When a good grinder hits the metal the whole shop lights up.

Iron sharpens Iron - So one man sharpens another. That is the same.

We all know a bit about the sparks that come with the sharpening of each other.

CONFLICT IS THE FRICTION OF RELATIONSHIPS THAT LETS THEM BE SHARPENED.

If there was no friction my grinder would do nothing to the metal I touched it with.

Even when I wrote the word conflict above many of us felt a slight queasiness in the pit of our stomach. Many of us have a history with conflict that is not pleasant. In fact most of us have had a training process that has left us wounded beyond what we think will never heal. How can we view conflict as a positive and life building process?

I know well of what I speak since I have been one of those who find it almost impossible to deal with conflict.

It started very early in my life. I learned that relationships are so fragile that at the first sign of any conflict they were over. Not only was I taught that by words I saw it constantly around me. My family was rife with divorce. When divorce came it was not just between parents. The parents disappeared from the children as well.

The grounds for these divorces were all the smallest conflicts that today seem so trivial to me. Yet there it was. Have a little fight and even the most important relationships in life are over..... forever.....

Now for those who live in families that stay together don't think that you did not learn some of the same things I did through other means. I have sat on the other side of the counselling chair with countless partners who stayed married but live lives of silence because they cannot resolve even the smallest conflicts without falling into a passivity so deep it rivals being dead.

FIGHT OR FLIGHT.....

A simple look at the world we share with animals and a close look at our own behaviour will show us that most of us get conditioned to deal with conflict in one of two ways. We either fight or we flee.

So much of our behaviour is in one of these two modes. Underlying both is the idea that conflict must be resolved for life to go on. We believe that relationships cannot exist in a state of conflict without someone doing something to quickly bring it to a resolution. Perhaps the greatest motivator to resolve conflict in an ineffective way is the fear of losing the relationship we have with loved ones.

This is not an imaginary threat. When conflict arose in my parental home relationships did end permanently. Our family fled. I have seen relationships supposedly continue through fear of anger violence and physical abuse. But they are just as permanently over as our fleeing ones were.

I have even seen the bible used to justify forcing one person in the relationship to submit to the will of the other's in a display of supposed relational bliss that meant one person had to die in the process. The temptation to even see this as referring to the death to selfishness the bible rightly proclaims over all of us is almost irresistible. But it is not a biblical truth. It is just fleeing.....

As I have seen it almost all these things happen as a response to conflict.

But today I am sure that conflict is not the real reason. In fact today I would say that conflict can be one of the most positive ways to be transformed in our character and to find God's will for our lives.

I am sure if I had read these words twenty years ago I would have said the person was either terribly innocent of the terror of conflict or they were insane.

I am now convinced that the quality of the relationship is really the problem.

Conflict just demonstrates its quality.

When a relationship is based on mutual self-giving love that is committed for life conflict becomes the means by which God sharpens us.

If conflict does anything else we need not try to resolve the conflict. We need to find why the conflict is destroying us.

That is a process for sure but it does have a beginning. The beginning is when we will allow God to penetrate all our defenses and make us teachable. We can be sharpened by others if we are willing to learn what the conflicts we have with them are meant to do.

Let's look at one way I have seen this to be the case.

Dominate / Subordinate relationships are always destructive to both.

Now when I say this people will think that I am saying all relationships involving authority are destructive. Again this is a misunderstanding of the purpose of authority relationships. Authority relationships are meant to guide and direct the activity of two or more people to a common purpose or activity. That is why Jesus said the one who is to be the leader needs to be a server.

And He said to them, “The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who have authority over them are called ‘Benefactors.’ 26 But it is not this way with you, but the one who is the greatest among you must become like the youngest, and the leader like the servant. 27 For who is greater, the one who reclines at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at the table? But I am among you as the one who serves.
Luke 22:25-27 (NASB)

Leadership is not getting our way. It is serving one or more people in a way that we find God's plan and specific direction for our lives together.

It is very much like driving a car. Someone has to do it and our lives are in that someone's hands but their motivation and our understanding of that motivation needs to be one of mutual care before we ever get into the car. If we find it is not then we need to press the conflict until we either get them to stop and let us out of the car - like finding out they are intoxicated after they start driving. Or until they respond to our part of the plans for the road trip.

That we have the power of the steering wheel does not mean we are given it to fulfill our dreams, desires, plans, intentions and so forth without reference to our passengers or most of all God. However even in saying that about God one of the ways I have seen many Christian authorities deal with conflict is to deify their own desires so that anyone who has a different idea about where the car is going and how it should be driven is really opposing God. There is that balance that must include conflict to be found. If I drive the car only where and how others want me to I have abandoned my God given responsibility to lead. If I listen only to my own thoughts and drive only as and where I want to I misuse the authority I have been given. If I make myself infallible and believe that I don't need anyone's input except God I will have blinded myself and will never hear from God at all.

My pastor often says to people who will not be accountable to anyone except God, "if the only one you listen to is God soon God will sound just like you!"

So the whole point I am making here is that authority in its proper place has a good end. But it will involve conflict. In this context I will say the point again concerning one outcome of a wrong understanding of conflict:

Dominate / Subordinate relationships are always destructive to both.

In this case conflict is seen in a fight/flight perspective in which one fights to get their way and one flees to keep the relationship and to avoid harm.

The only way to heal this kind of a relationship is to use conflict to challenge us to deeper mutual love.

That sounds a bit harsh but I believe it is the foundation of all wrong understanding of the nature of conflict and the use or avoidance of conflict.

Jesus answered, “The foremost is, ‘HEAR, O ISRAEL! THE LORD OUR GOD IS ONE LORD; 30 AND YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND, AND WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH.’ 31 The second is this, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
Mark 12:29-31 (NASB)

If we love God with all our heart we will want to follow Him fully. The rest of the bible tells us we cannot find that in isolation. We will only find it in relationship with others. And those relationships that will be the most important to finding His will for us will also be the ones which will have the greatest conflict. We will not be sharpened without it.

If we love our neighbor as ourselves then we will not fight or flee in conflict. We will love them enough to let them know through our words and deeds our perspective on our shared lives. We will love them enough not to fight or flee when they share with us theirs.

When two people have a deep mutual respect and love for each other, one can be in a leader role without it becoming a dominate / submissive relationship. Both will have a freedom to express themselves without fear of reprisal or abandonment. These two actions are why conflict is seen as a fearful or destructive.

We can begin to heal from our tendency to fight or flee and thus continuing to build unhealthy relationships by using conflict in a positive way.

But how do we use conflict positively?

First by understanding it as being only an indicator. It is not wrong to have conflict between us. It will be in a healthy relationship. it will be in an unhealthy relationship. If there is no conflict in a relationship one partner in the relationship is dead! But we can use the way we or others respond to conflict to indicate the potential for health or disease. It is the response to conflict not the conflict that is the problem.

Conflict as an indicator can be a way to protect ourselves and others. If we see ourselves or those we are in relationship with responding in fight or flight we need to go deeper to really see if the relationship is even meant to be. If we are not yet in a relationship with them it can keep us out of a destructive one.

I would tell anyone considering entering in a relationship with a person who mainfests a strong need to resolve conflict through fighting or fleeing to reconsider. If we or they constantly fight to deal with conflict we can be sure we will have an unhealthy relationship with them. If we or they flee constantly the relationship will always be insecure. Both conditions are miserable.

Secondly we can see conflict as an opportunity to walk in humility. If we think we are always right we will never listen to those we are in relationship with. Sincerely listening to the other person is one of the greatest acts of love and respect you can give them.

If we know that we need other people's perspective to find God's will for our lives we will be ready to listen to them. Our conflict with them will always turn destructive when we do not listen to them. Even if we do not fully implement their perspective the act of listening will disarm the idea that conflict will always mean rejection.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,
James 1:19 (NIV)

Another way to use conflict positively is to not demand it be resolved to still be in a positive relationship.

This is so important. I cannot understate how rewarding it is to live in it nor how hard it is to find the place it lives.

Our brains are hardwired to deal with conflict in a fight or flee way. To go against both these impulses is extremely difficult. But the reward for doing so is amazing.

To have a relationship not based on aggression or passivity due to a response to conflict is wonderful beyond words.

One night as I had been asking what the answer to the dilemma of my own response to conflict I heard in my heart, "It is neither fight nor flight but STAND."

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Ephesians 6:13 (NIV)

Another positive aspect conflict is that letting the tension of unresolved conflict simply remain is a wonderful way to grow a relationship.
When we are mutually committed to loving and staying in our relationships we will find that deep conflict can enhance our lives together. But we need to let the conflict work its sharpening work and not try to continually resolve it by fleeing or fighting. The stand position is the powerful one. It says we have a conflict. It says the conflict will not destroy our relationship unless we fight or flee. It says I will not flee or fight but will hold my perspective with respect for God and the person I am in conflict with.

For instance in our marriage Carie and I are very different in our perspective on finances. She tends to be more willing to spend than me. If I fix this conflict by demanding my own way I become tighter and tighter until I am nothing more than an old miser. On the other hand, if I flee and don't help her to have boundaries and limits we would be broke! The tension of the unresolved conflict is actually the way we both grow and the will of God is more accurately lived out in our lives.

When we fight or flee we drive each other to our logical extremes. When we fight for control of the money she wants to spend more and more and I want to save more and more. When we flee for control of the money we both begin to hide what we are doing from each other. When we let the tension exist we both come to a common ground which reflects a godly balance.

The last point for now I want to share is to let conflict guide us. I have found that if I don;t fight or flee but "stand" the conflict will lead me into a more perfect expression of God's will and destiny even if it leads me into very dark places.
  
If we look at the life of Jesus he had continual conflicts with everyone in his life. He was without wrong intentions but the conflict he faced was so severe that people eventually rose up against him and killed him. In "standing" by refusing to either fight or flee the conflict guided him into God's perfect will in his life and gave life to all of us.

Then He took the twelve aside and said to them, “Behold, we are going up to Jerusalem, and all things which are written through the prophets about the Son of Man will be accomplished. 32 For He will be handed over to the Gentiles, and will be mocked and mistreated and spit upon, 33 and after they have scourged Him, they will kill Him; and the third day He will rise again.”

Luke 18:31-34 (NASB)