The High Cost of Marital Disharmony

In my daily Bible reading I have been looking at the book of Esther. On one level this story seems like a lovely story about God's provision to take care of His Ancient People. For sure it is that. But it has a very dark side.

God is able to redeem things and make good come out of the most evil circumstances...... but that does not make those circumstances any less evil.

Esther 1:10-13

On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded Mehuman, Biztha, Harbona, Bigtha, Abagtha, Zethar and Carkas, the seven eunuchs who served in the presence of King Ahasuerus, 11 to bring Queen Vashti before the king with her royal crown in order to display her beauty to the people and the princes, for she was beautiful. 12 But Queen Vashti refused to come at the king's command delivered by the eunuchs. Then the king became very angry and his wrath burned within him.

This scenario is played out millions of times every day. Two covenant partners demanding their own way.

Two people who should be respecting each other and caring for each other to protect, provide and cherish each other fighting over who is the one in charge.

Two people who should be the best of friends acting like enemies.

Oh I know those who support the concept of male headship will go on about Vashti's rebellion. Those who want to make Ahasuerus a male chauvinist will say he wanted to do something sexually inappropriate.

The Bible tells a less sordid tale which nonetheless has catastrophic consequences for thousands of innocent victims.

We don't know why Vashti did what she did. We can guess but we don't know for sure. She could have been acting out of great hurt or rebellion. We simply don't know.

But we can make an informed guess of some of the possiblities from what the book says.

And some of those guesses are what couples today, for same reasons, do as well. 


I personally think that Vashti might have felt that she meant nothing to her husband besides being an ornament and an occasional sexual partner. We know that later Esther was afraid to enter her husband's presence without his request. She also commented that he had not called for her for a long time.

I am sure Vashti had the same experience. Perhaps she had spent endless hours alone. Perhaps no matter how she longed for her husband to show some interest in her he was gone like the wind.....

Perhaps when he finally wanted her to come the circumstances only added to her pain. After all he did not even come himself but sent his eunuchs to come after her.

Perhaps in her humaness she was trying to send a message that she wanted him to come and get her.....

But he was busy and taken up with life so he might have missed altogether the needs of the wife of his youth. Maybe he was not such a bad guy but just missed the basics of "Romantics 101." Maybe he was having so much fun being the king it never crossed his mind that she was in a prison of tormented loneliness.

He had his needs met by his occupation and so may have never considered that her needs were not being met by hers.

That is not what the Bible tells us but is an alternative interpretation to the villianization that seems to go on between the male and female camps in reading this passage. And that is precisely what happened in the hearts of the two, who were once lovers, in this story. Both saw the other in the worst light possible. It happens every day.

So what was the cost of this marital disharmony? That is the part that so many do not read. They see the wonderful deliverance for the Jewish nation and in the next years the restoration of that nation to her homeland. As I have said, this is the wonderful aspect of God's redemption. But I think He has another thing to tell us in the story.

The King's anger raged and in that anger he felt something had to be done to avenge his wounded pride. No wonder Esther was scared of him! He could as easily have killed Vashti in her failure to obey him as to have put her away. He could have done the same to Esther.

This is the first thing this story teaches us about marriage. When one partner holds all the power over the other there is going to be terrible pain for at least one or both of the partners - and possibly many other innocent people.

We forget that what happened to Vashti was not a divorce so she could find another husband. She was not thrown out of the Castle to go fend for herself. We know from the practices of the time she was made a household slave.

She never again would know the touch of a man sexually. If she did they would have been killed immediately.

If she had children they would have no longer been considered hers. They would have been raised by another woman.

She would have to serve those who had once served her. She would have most likely been mocked and taunted by the other women in the harem.

Her life would have been one of absolute humiliation on a daily basis -- remembering where she once was and where she had been sent to every single day of the rest of her life.

The King in his rage took the advice of the other men who obviously did not have such great marriages either....

Esther 1:13-20
Since it was customary for the king to consult experts in matters of law and justice, he spoke with the wise men who understood the times 14 and were closest to the king—Karshena, Shethar, Admatha, Tarshish, Meres, Marsena and Memukan, the seven nobles of Persia and Media who had special access to the king and were highest in the kingdom. 15 “According to law, what must be done to Queen Vashti?” he asked. “She has not obeyed the command of King Xerxes that the eunuchs have taken to her.” 16 Then Memukan replied in the presence of the king and the nobles, “Queen Vashti has done wrong, not only against the king but also against all the nobles and the peoples of all the provinces of King Xerxes. 17 For the queen’s conduct will become known to all the women, and so they will despise their husbands and say, ‘King Xerxes commanded Queen Vashti to be brought before him, but she would not come.’ 18 This very day the Persian and Median women of the nobility who have heard about the queen’s conduct will respond to all the king’s nobles in the same way. There will be no end of disrespect and discord. 19 “Therefore, if it pleases the king, let him issue a royal decree and let it be written in the laws of Persia and Media, which cannot be repealed, that Vashti is never again to enter the presence of King Xerxes. Also let the king give her royal position to someone else who is better than she. 20 Then when the king’s edict is proclaimed throughout all his vast realm, all the women will respect their husbands, from the least to the greatest.”19 “Therefore, if it pleases the king, let him issue a royal decree and let it be written in the laws of Persia and Media, which cannot be repealed, that Vashti is never again to enter the presence of King Xerxes. Also let the king give her royal position to someone else who is better than she. 20 Then when the king’s edict is proclaimed throughout all his vast realm, all the women will respect their husbands, from the least to the greatest.” 21 The king and his nobles were pleased with this advice, so the king did as Memukan proposed. 22 He sent dispatches to all parts of the kingdom, to each province in its own script and to each people in their own language, proclaiming that every man should be ruler over his own household, using his native tongue.

So the story has been repeated over the centuries and still is today. Someone does something perceived as an offense and a penalty must be extracted in order to end the potential dangers of rebellious hearts..... without even asking if they were rebellious.

Yet the dangers of an overzealous authority are not even considered.

I have fought out this particular battle all my life. How to respond in the situation where you are supposed to be leading but those who are to follow are not cooperating?

I see in this story the terrible consequences of a failure in leadership. Personal as well as for others.

So we begin with the King.

He put his wife away in a tantrum of bruised ego.... Like most of us a few days later he was rethinking his actions but not well enough.....

Esther 2:1
Later when King Xerxes’ fury had subsided, he remembered Vashti and what she had done and what he had decreed about her. 2 Then the king’s personal attendants proposed, “Let a search be made for beautiful young virgins for the king. 3 Let the king appoint commissioners in every province of his realm to bring all these beautiful young women into the harem at the citadel of Susa. Let them be placed under the care of Hegai, the king’s eunuch, who is in charge of the women; and let beauty treatments be given to them. 4 Then let the young woman who pleases the king be queen instead of Vashti.” This advice appealed to the king, and he followed it.

The King has a moment of vulnerability and potential regret but instead he filled the empty place with pride.... like we all tend to do.

And what grew out of that pride? Consider this carefully. The King filled his ego needs with every beautiful virgin in the nation. Perhaps they, like him, were, for a moment, captured by their ego for being chosen. No matter what they thought, it was not their decision. They were compelled to join the beauty pageant. It was not just a pageant. The consequences were tragic if a girl did not win.

After a year of preparation the girl was taken to the king and had one night of intimacy. After that she went into the harem of the concubines and lived as a household slave for the rest of her life. The king might ask for her for sexual purposes but unless he did she would be left without the care of a man forever. She most likely would have never even had children.

Every beautiful girls in the land ended up in the king's harem. All the men who should have had those girls would have been left alone as well.

See what a terrible consequence grew out of this marital disharmony?

Perhaps, on not as grand a scale, this is what still happens. Our failure in marriage still causes terrible consequences.

So what could have been done differently?

That is my great quest. How do we lead those we love without sacrificing our leadership nor entering the terrible place of pride?

Well one thing the King could have done is to have sincerely asked the question, "Why does Vashti not want to come to be with me and my guests?"

And so I find that when my heart begins to see those I lead as offending my place of authority.... or my pride..... and as I start to feel the anger rise in my heart and I begin to think of how I can fulfill my mandate of leadership by punishing the offender so that others will not follow their example of rebellion..... I have asked the Lord to remind me to ask why.

This is a place of great vulnerability. It means I have to be ready to find out it is actually me that is the problem. 

If the King had gone to his bride and asked her, maybe she would have angrily told him exactly what she felt. If he had responded with love and compassion perhaps her hurting heart would have begun to heal. If he continued to spend time with her and to ask her to share her heart with him maybe in time he would have recaptured her heart. And if he had won her heart he, as well as Vashti and thousands of young people, would not have suffered as they did.

When I think of how Jesus leads I believe this is the way he would have done it. I have sought to do as well.

But what of Vashti? What about her actions? What if she had left her pain or rebellion, if it was that? What if she had thought of the need of her husband to find honor? 

In keeping her autonomy she lost her true authority. She did not submit herself to her husband's demands but in doing so she lost the chance to help him become the man God wanted him to be.

This is the difference between Vashti and Esther. This is why Esther's wisdom will always be met with authority based on  influence rather than coercion.

John Maxwell has rightly said that all leadership is based on influence. And so it is.... Vashti gave up her chance to win the heart of her husband. In losing his heart she lost herself as well. We were created to help each other. When we lose sight of this for protecting ourselves we those we lead and we lose ourselves.

Vashti kept her autonomy but opened the door to pain for so many.

Esther gave up her autonomy yet gained the life of a whole nation.

Sounds like the story of love that the Son of God showed to the world....